Grace Where It's Needed Most

I've been so excited to catch up with some old friends these past few weeks, but I'm sort of heartbroken by the heartaches that many have gone through. Why are those most in need of grace kicked when they're down? When given glaring opportunities to be "Christ-like," why have so many thrown rocks instead? There are few things that boil my blood as much as self-righteousness and downright meanness. I've been so disappointed to find that the most religious people I've caught up with have been the most distant, cold, and aloof, and I've spent the last 10 years in the church for crying out loud! Without fail the first question is where are you pastoring? where did you preach last Sunday? are you going to church anywhere? followed by bewilderment and suggestions of places I should try. Are these really the things that matter most? Is this how we value people and size them up, by their church attendance?

I ran into an old friend I used to work with years ago today. It was so good to see him. It was good to hear his story. It was good to feel like nothing has changed between us although we hadn't seen each other since God knows when. I turned to leave when he asked me, "are you still preaching?" I may have surprised myself as much as him when I turned back and replied without hesitation, "No man, I quit." A short conversation followed to explain what I meant. I've had a lot of those conversations. Funny, how those who aren't dyed in the wool are so willing and eager to talk about spiritual things. I haven't asked one person about where they go to church and what they believe. They've been all too free to offer the information, wanting to talk with someone who understands where they're coming from.

I'm slowly beginning to float to the surface of this deep sea of questions I've been sinking in. I'm beginning to see some semblance of a real world faith emerge before me that I can embrace and live. One conversation after another, a view of the mission is coming into focus. If Paul was the apostle to the Gentiles, the outsiders, is it too presumptuous of me to ask God to let me be like Jesus, a friend of sinners, and I chief among them?

Marking Time

I'm sure you've heard as many theories offered as I have for what Jesus wrote in the dirt that day that drove away the accusers of a woman caught in adultery. One of the more popular beliefs is that Jesus began writing out specific sins of her accusers. I think there is a certain danger in reading into scripture what's not there. Too much of it has already been meddled with thru the years from copy to copy. It seems many people struggle to grasp the simple humanity of Jesus and find it hard to believe he could have lived his life as a mere man.

Can you imagine all of the shrines, the denominations, the religious relics that would have been built around the drawing of Jesus in the sand had it only been recorded? I'm glad it was trampled on. Too much of religious tradition focuses on the "what" and not the "why." I believe the intent and the spirit of what could be holy has been lost on making sure we get it just right. I think it was Rob Bell who suggested in his book Velvet Elvis that by writing in the dirt Jesus was simply "marking time." It afforded time for cooler heads to prevail and simple words to disarm self-righteousness, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her."

"Marking time" is a good description for these hot Louisiana summer days. Aside from a few grueling road trips to Florida for work. Time is dragging on slowly and lazily with all of us around the house for a change. We've been "passing the time" reading, playing, watching movies, and picking vegetables from our garden. We've been tracking down old friends on the internet, and I've been doing much neglected work on my family tree searching for memories and discovering old stories.

I am keenly aware of what time it is, what time it has been. I know that these hot summer days are elusive as the sand, and fall will wash them out to sea for another year. I know that these footprints pressed into Florida sand by feet five years and counting were gone by morning. I know that in time I will be a name and dates on some one's forgotten limb.

We hear too much of "wars and rumors of wars" these days. The powers that be have given us a new "hill on which to die," yet another ideological struggle that spills every one's blood but their own. These battles aren't waged on mountains but on piles of sand, and the tide is coming. Life isn't about being right. It's about being together. So we wait... marking time, making memories together.

Love and Duty

The Painted Veil with Naomi Watts and Edward Norton is a powerful story of love unreturned, love betrayed, love rejected, love scorned, love demonstrated, love made, and love lost. Kitty (Naomi Watts) opts to marry Dr. Walter Fane (Edward Norton), even though she doesn't love him, just to get as far away from her mother as she can. The new bride far from home in China has an affair with an Englishman. When their secret is discovered, her husband gives the ultimatum to join him in the heart of a cholera epidemic deep in China or immediate divorce for adultery. Rejected by her lover she finds herself cut off from the rest of the world in the midst of enormous human suffering where their relationship is tested to the breaking point.

I find the parallels between romantic love and religous devotion unending. Consider the following exchange between the head of the convent and Mrs. Fane (Naomi Watts):

Mother Superior: Dr. Fane told me he wanted you to leave but you would not.
Mrs. Fane: I didn't want to leave you.
Mother Superior: Yes, and we appreciate it, dear child, but I think you did not want to leave him either.
Mrs. Fane: Well, it's my duty.
Mother Superior: Duty is only washing your hands when they are dirty.

Mother Superior: I fell in love when I was 17... with God. A foolish girl with romantic notions about the life of a religious, but my love was passionate. Over the years my feelings have changed. He's disappointed me. Ignored me. We've settled into a life of peaceful indifference. The old husband and wife who sit side by side on the sofa, but rarely speak. He knows I'll never leave Him. This is my duty. But when love and duty are one, then grace is within you.

Many people stay married for no better reason than they have for going to church, a sense of duty or obligation. Obligatory church attendance holds about as much passion as an arranged marriage. I have also lost respect for people who stay married till "death do us part." I respect most those who stay in love, who work at love, who make love. I know many people who just live under the same roof, though they merit some recognition for not killing each other, but their love is unspoken, unexpressed, and maybe absent altogether. Those are not the kinds of relationships we should aspire to nor settle for.

The Bible is not a rule book, nor a list of doctrines. It is above all else a love story between the Creator and the created. While God's love may be the one constant in the universe, we are reminded throughout that our love is frail. We must "catch the little foxes that ruin the vineyards," for "the love of many will grow cold." We must be passionate in our love making and our praying.

We make an effort to grow in love every day not because we have to, but because we want to. This is not a place we have to be. It is the place that we want to be and this is the one we want to be with. Then love and duty are one, and there we find grace.

Climbing The Spiral Staircase

From The Spiral Staircase by Karen Armstrong:

I remembered a Jesuit telling us once during a retreat that faith was not really an intellectual assent but an act of will. Christians could accept their essentially incredible tradition only by making a deliberate choice to believe. You could not prove or disprove these doctrines, but you could consciously decide to take them on trust. They might even turn out to be true. But somewhere along the line, I had given up. I could no longer summon up the emotional or spiritual energy to make that choice. I felt tired out, drained, and slightly repelled by it all. I was finished with God; and God - if he existed at all - had long ago finished with me.

For years faith for me was an "intellectual assent" held loosely together by the "infallibility" of scripture and a willful ignorance of an alternative. Once I stopped suppressing my questions and exposed myself to the world of possibilities, faith would have to be a choice made against the grain of reason or abandoned altogether. I'm standing now somewhere near the crossroads trying to find a middle ground between self-induced delusion and apostasy. Karen Armstrong has become a new found friend on this road to find the middle way.

We will grieve not, rather find
Strength in what remains behind.
"Ode: Intimations of Immortality," William Wordsworth

Reconnecting

For the last couple weeks I've been trying to get back in touch with old friends, some I haven't seen in a very long time. It's been fun tracking down some of them and catching up with others. I've been thinking about why this is important to me.

Admittedly the first few years after high school were nuts working our way through college, but pastoring churches consumes your life. Your life revolves around the life cycle of the church and the crises that erupt continuously. I never thought I was better than my old friends, even though a lot of them didn't run in the same church circles that I did. I just didn't have time for friends outside of the church. That's quite a realization when you consider the primary mission of the church should be to befriend those outside the church. Truthfully, the church is a good place to get lost. It's easy to get wrapped up in this safe coddled little world of people who think, look, and live like we do yet manage to find plenty to disagree about. I believe that ministry can be extremely isolating even to the detriment of our health, our marriages, and relationships.

For all that I tried to do, the number one criticism I received from any of the churches that I pastored was that I did not visit the church members enough. I agree. It was a constant source of guilt for me, because the list of people to see was never ending. I fell into crisis management mode and resorted to putting out fires wherever they popped up. At least there was some sort of satisfaction in knowing that you were there for people when they most needed someone, but as the years passed since then, those countless hours, tears, and prayers are forgotten. Those same people I counted as friends have no use for me now. In the meantime of eight to ten years I neglected so many of my friends and family members to give my life to those I didn't even know. I find myself here now alone, feeling like I disappointed everyone. What did it get me? Oh, that's right. It wasn't about me.

So, I'm trying now to reconnect to old friends and family members. I have no delusions. Time has been lost. Distance lies between many of us. Though it can be lessened, it will not be erased. We've missed so much time. I feel that I owe many an apology but have mostly tried to communicate how much they have meant to me. I've made new friends along the way, most on my way out of the church. I'm grateful for them.

I'm reminded of what Richard Bach had to say about friendship. This is a compilation of my favorite quotes:

Can miles truly separate you from friends... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there? Don't be dismayed by good-byes. A farewell is necessary before you can meet again. And meeting again, after moments or lifetimes, is certain for those who are friends. If you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were. Rarely do members of the same family grow up under the same roof. The bond that links your true family is not one of blood, but of respect and joy in each other's life. Your friends will know you better in the first minute you meet than your acquaintances will know you in a thousand years.

In her book Silver Boxes: The Gift of Encouragement Florence Littauer said that our words should be a gift given to a friend like little silver boxes with bows on top. A special friend who literally lives on the opposite side of the planet from me gave me such a little silver box this week when she wrote me a beautiful message that ended with these words, "You have a special place in our hearts. I have a family here by birth, but you are my family there by choice." I hope you cherish your friendships and find joy in one another.

Changes & Conversations

You know, for the first time in a really long time I feel comfortable in my own skin. Well, for the last couple years actually, but that's saying a lot considering how long I lived in a glass bowl swimming in circles trying to please everybody and be all things to all people. Enough. Reminds me of hearing John Maxwell talk about the Apostle Paul. He asked, "what can you do to a man who's not afraid of dying?" I'm not looking to check out of here anytime soon, but I don't have to live in the people-pleaser business anymore.

I can be myself without fear of being fired for it, which is incredibly liberating. Being self-employed has had an equally empowering effect in my life. Granted, it's tough at times. Feast or famine. You want it? You have to go out and make it happen, but being able to decide when, where, and how you get it done fits my personality so much better than punching a clock. I don't like limits. I love freedom. Doesn't everyone? I'm not sure sometimes.

I love being able to ask questions. Why are people so threatened by questions? I love to imagine possibilities. Why does it only have to be one way? I love to make new friends. Why does it have to be "us" vs. "them"?

We had about 30 people come through our house today for a birthday party. I thought about how many genuine connections I made today, and they were only a few. Beyond the "hey how are you's" and "good to see you's" there's not much connection happening by default. It reminded me a lot of church, how people come in and out to watch the same show for an hour. It doesn't mean they connected with each other any more than the people watching the $4.50 matinee. Connection takes intention.

I'm running into more and more people who are in similar places in life, somewhere between where they were and where they're going. So many people have lost faith in the church but still have deep spiritual convictions and tough questions. I love those people. Those are great conversations. Good friendships come from listening and wondering together. It's so much easier to have meaningful conversations with people when you don't have to steer the conversation to make your point, get your angle, or push your cause. People really open up over a cold beer or a nice cup of coffee. There's a cool moment in the conversation when they realize you're not pushing anything, you're not judging them, you're actually interested in them for who they are. It's like they just relax and set at ease. It's fun to take the trip together just to see where the road ends.

Leave a comment, hang out for a while, dig in the fridge, change the channel. Mi casa, su casa. I'm going fix a drink. Here's to good conversation!

Is Loving God Enough?

My cousin posted a blog entry recently that got me thinking. I'm posting my comment to it here so that you might add to the discussion. Her basic idea was that loving God is the most basic responsibility we have and will be accountable for and that a lot of the do's and don'ts are added on by others to make a relationship with God complicated and impossible.

What a loaded question. I'm agreeing with you here but must play the "devil's advocate" just because these are questions I'm thinking about. I'm just thinking as I write. If "loving" is all we are accountable for, didn't Jesus say that if we love him that we should "keep his commandments?" Of course, I would counter that the Bible also says that his commandments are not burdensome, i.e. his yolk is light. Perhaps it is we who make them seem burdensome.

A huge part of the problem is that most people look at the Bible like an algebra equation of which every book must agree with all of the other books. I think the more appropriate view is to look at the Bible as a record of the evolving nature of how people understand and relate to God. So that some of what happens earlier on may in fact stand in direct contrast to what we find in the New Testament because people as a whole evolved in their understanding. Think just how much we evolve personally in our relation to God in just a few years time then compound it by thousands of years of history and thousands of different perspectives collaborating into a clearer expression. Another large part of the problem is that like it or not, a lot of the Bible is editorial commentary. It demands an entire science of stripping down extraneous material to get back at what was said that inspired so much thought.

Another basic question is "how do you love God?" Yes, I know, "keep his commandments." But aside from rule keeping, how do you do it? I'm reminded that Jesus also said if we want to express our love for God that we should love others, in particular the unlovable. For a moment set aside "keeping commandments" and "loving others." At it's most basic level in a vacuum where only you and God exist, how do you love Him? How do you love someone/something immeasurably grand and awesome? On some level isn't your love really based on fear, as it was in the beginning of the OT? I don't think fear is the same as love. The Bible also says that perfect love casts out all fear. Maybe it is awe & wonder that we really feel and call it love for God? Maybe we move past being "afraid" of Him and stand in wonder and awe. How can you move past loving God for fear of retribution or for desire for acceptance? Is it possible to love Him purely without fear or expectation?

I'm going off the deep end now, so beware, but could it be that we go amiss thinking about "loving God" as an emotion felt for a person? At its best, we aspire to an idea, a belief system, a way of living. Religion, even Christianity, seems more and more like a coping mechanism to me, a framework through which we can engage the enormity of time/space and the finality and smallness of ourselves within.

You wouldn't know it by looking at the current political landscape in America or the culture of the deep South, but I believe the role of religion in everyday life is gradually being diminished, albeit at glacial speeds, as people become more and more educated and communication barriers are broken down through technology and freedom of expression. I think the nature of personal religious beliefs will continue to evolve, and I believe only fools and the mentally ill will continue to embrace fundamentalism. Just thinking.

No One Knew My Name

I was listening to No One Knew My Name by Marc Broussard today. The words really resonate with me. They're testimonial.

Some people say that I've changed in every way
That the life I'm leadin' gonna lead me away from your grace
But there ain't nothin' like a brand new day
Get to start all over with a big ol' smile upon my face

I aint' gotta prove nothin' to them
Got nothin' to lose cause I remember when

No one knew my name except for you baby
No one feels the same as I do
No one's walked a mile in my shoes lately
No one knew my name except for you, yeah

Life is about the journey it's not about the end

To Preach or Not to Preach

That is the question.

It will soon be a year since I've preached, almost that long since I've been to church. I thought my phone just quit ringing with invitations, but I seem to remember turning down at least two long term commitments in the last couple months. I got another call a few days ago to preach homecoming at a church I pastored several years ago. Tradition has a former pastor come in to preach that day. I always dreaded homecoming while I was there, because you never knew what kind of nut would come in and bore everyone to death or confuse the hell out of them. Then I'd have to clean up the mess. I'm debating on whether or not to go. Part of me thinks I should do it, since they seem to be in a bind to find somebody, and I would hate for them to be tortured by the alternative. Most of me just doesn't know what to say.

I'm such a completely different person than I was. My beliefs have changed substantially. The older I get and the more life experiences I have the more I realize that I don't know anything. Honestly, I think I had this thing figured out when I was 19, but now, I don't know jack. It's not that I don't possess knowledge. I can argue any position. I know them well. I just don't have a position anymore. No angle. No game. No ego that needs stroking. I'm convinced of the possibility that I might be wrong and everyone else might be right. Not a good foundation from which to claim exclusivity to divine truth. I generally respect differing viewpoints and values. The only people I don't want to dialogue with are those that are too pigheaded to give others a fair hearing.

So, what do I say? I'm pretty screwed up. I could easily talk about that for a while. I could do like many of the others that show up and reminisce about the good ole times we shared and tell funny stories, but there's a lot of pain and mixed emotions in looking back on that experience. I could whip out an old sermon. I've preached at least a couple hundred new ones since I was there last, but I'd rather throw up than pretend. I want to just talk about some of things I've learned and how I've changed, but I don't want the day to be about me, and I despise topical sermons. Maybe I just won't go. People don't really want to hear what I'll say. It would probably disturb them. Sure, the sadists say they want somebody to "tell it like it is," but they mean someone to beat up on the failure and weaknesses of others, so easily characterized as sins. No one wants to hear about selfishness, hypocrisy, greed, apathy, etc.

I suppose someone would say I should pray about it, but it's been a while since I've done that too, at least in the traditional sense of the word. I've felt a need to sit in silence for the last few days, and it's long overdue. I guess meditation works for some people. I haven't gotten to that yet. I'm still a beginner. It's all I can do to sit down, be still, and shut up for 30 minutes. Now there's an idea for a sermon well spent.

Living Unplugged

A recent post by my friend at Sim Church got me to thinking about living unplugged.

It's been about 9 months since I've been in a church service, about two years since I've been in a service I wasn't preaching. My wife doesn't care about going either. I don't feel guilty at all. I feel free to be honest. I mostly don't know how to respond to comments and questions that come up in conversation regarding faith. I don't want to be disrespectful, so I nod and shift to another topic. Will Campbell said, "Beliefs are what people are hung up on, not ethics or morals. If you don't believe a certain way, then the people in that religion will clean you out." I don't think most people I know in the South are ready for this discussion.

I don't feel my kids are missing out on their core moral development because they're not listening to flannel board stories and doing color sheets in a Sunday School class somewhere. Still, they have questions. They have a natural desire to wonder. I've been reflecting on how I grew up in church and how I've seen other children come up in church. There's an overall conditioning process at work, albeit subtle. I'm not sure I want my kids brainwashed by somebody.

I suppose some "dyed in the wool" fundamentalist is reading this and aghast that my children will die and go to hell if they don't ask Jesus into their hearts. I've thought about that a lot. I've had a hard time buying the whole spin on eternity for a long time. If you ask me to imagine God, a supreme being of the universes, burning my kids in hell for all eternity because they told a lie, were mean, or stole a friend's toy and didn't subscribe to a certain religious tenet, you need therapy.

Micael Ledwith said our culture often views God as sitting up somewhere "registering the scores on his laptop as to whether we perform according to his designs or whether we're offending him, as it's put, an absolutely outrageous idea. How could we offend God? How could it matter so much to him? How could it, above all, matter that he would find it so serious a situation that he could conform us to an eternity of suffering? These are bizarre ideas."

So do we haul our kids to church to make sure they get the same "rearing" that we did, even if we have since rejected it, just to "be sure?" Is that what Christianity is, an insurance policy? Got to make sure everybody's covered, just in case they're right and we're wrong? Nada.

I think it's natural to have an epiphany moment in life, but I don't think it has to take the form of "getting saved," walking the aisle, and getting baptized. I think we don't know how to react to newfound awareness or enlightenment other than to do whatever someone tells us to in those critical and vulnerable times in our lives. I want to be there in those moments in the lives of my children to answer their questions honestly, being sure to say that I don't know when I don't. I want them to nurture a sense of wonder, belonging, and grattitude that will stay with them no matter which path they take. Any religion that makes people feel less than they really are is worthless in my opinion.

So the question is rightly asked by my friend. What do we do now? Do you run to the nearest church on Sunday morning, throw yourself on the altar in a uncontrolable sobbing confession, and ask the church to embrace you and nurse you back to faith? Do you sneak in the back pew and check the attendance box for the week, even though you can't buy what they're selling? I just can't do it. I'm not saying I won't go to church again. I've been talking about a few churches I'd like to visit, mostly other denominations that I'm not familiar with, and when I go, I'll go with an open mind and listen respectfully. Maybe there will be something I can grab hold to and assimilate. Maybe there won't. But I refuse to get in line for the weekly hen-pecking.

A New Earth Discovered

A New Earth?

The mathematical probabilities long ago declared it a matter of not "if" but "when" other inhabitable planets would be discovered. There are old questions that are beginning to be answered; others will have to wait. Is there life out there? Definately. The discovery of a relatively near earth-like planet is an astounding discovery that is sure to be followed by many many more with exponential improvements in astronomy. Maybe there are just cockroaches roaming around on this one. Maybe there's just ocean life on a microscopic scale. Maybe there are lower lifeforms. But maybe somewhere a higher stage of evolution has taken place, and someone is asking the same questions we are.

I wonder because I have to, but do you think Jesus died for all of the other people living elsewhere in the universe? Did God send thousands of different Messiahs to each planet to give them each an opportunity to be "saved?" Are they all dying and going to hell because we haven't gotten missionaries there yet? Maybe we can turn the TBN satellites around and point into outer space. Maybe its just safe for some people to believe we're the only ones here. When your worldview clashes with reality, it's somehow easier on the conscience to deny reality rather than change your worldview. Were we to go backwards a couple thousand years, when people were separated by oceans rather than space, are the questions any different? Who's right? Who's wrong? Do we have an exclusive on truth? What's the worth of another person when they're different than you? Life hangs in the balance on how we answer.

The Perfect Ending

Bay St. Louis, MS

I'm working down in Slidell for a few weeks and staying in Bay St. Louis, MS. I spent the day Monday driving down and listening to a few audiobooks I had, Book of Secrets by Deepak Chopra and Meditation for Optimum Health by Andrew Weil and Jon Kabat-Zinn. I was feeling pretty contemplative, and, though I was very tired, I wandered down to the shoreline just before sunset. I threw on a jacket and walked the beach listening to Enya on my iPod till the light faded away. If only everyday could end so sublimely.

On Wisdom

"As proud children of science and reason, we have made ourselves the orphans of wisdom." Deepak Chopra

I have been completely enthralled in this new audiobook I'm listening to, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life by Deepak Chopra. I'm not even finished the first of three tapes, and I'm already read to listen to it again and take notes when I'm not driving. I'll post more observations once I've had time to process it. This comes at good time for me in my journey. He outlines the premise of the book as unlocking the secrets to what truly fulfills us and makes us happy, which if we have not already discovered is not money, sex, relationships, careers, or pleasure. This dovetails with the Jim Carrey quote I shared a few days ago that, "Success is a really good thing to attain, so you can cross it off the list of things that will make you happy." I've crossed enough things off my list by this point in life. I'd rather just figure this thing out and skip the vain pursuits.

I saw a quote on a sign today that did not mention the author, but I recognized it as a Gandhi quote. Coincidentally enough, I've ran across the same quote at least four times in the last two weeks. There must be a lesson in that in itself. I'll leave you with it:

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi

Beyond Belief

I've just finished listening to The Gospel of Thomas: A New Perspective on Jesus' Message an audiobook by Elaine Pagels who also wrote a book titled Beyond Belief. I admittedly know very little about "other gospels," much less the Apocrypha books. Pagels says that "gnostic" has become a sort of slander that has befallen many other historical documents that have been rejected and misunderstood by the religious powers that be. It reminds me of the way fundamentalists label everything they disagree with as "liberal."

I learned a lot not only about the Gospel of Thomas but about the other gospels as well and the way early Christians viewed Jesus. There was an interesting debate or dialogue taking place in the early church carried out in the oral tradition of masters teaching their disciples (followers). Interestingly enough there wasn't a group of followers of John's Gospel versus followers of Thomas' Gospel. Both gospels were being read and discussed side by side, holding each in tension yet finding a common way between them. Both gospels are dated between 80-100 AD and present a different perspective from the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark, & Luke). I learned as much about the Gospel of John as I did about the Gospel of Thomas from this book.

There was a Q & A session at the end of her lecture, which is befitting to the overall message of Thomas that we must seek out knowledge and truth for ourselves versus John as the one who has written "that you may believe." Someone asked about her book and its title, Beyond Belief, asking if that is what Thomas is about, that we are to move "beyond belief" onto something else. That's an important question that I've been wrestling with. Is belief a beginning step on the journey. Do you grow out of it and mature into something else, or do you hold belief in tandem with maturity?

She gave an interesting illustration that Faith, i.e. belief, is like the Soil of the earth in which the seed is planted. Love is like the Sun that warms it. Hope is like the Water that nourishes it, and Insight is the Fruit, which is maturity. I found interesting that in that context belief isn't something you outgrow but rather something that supports and upholds the rest. It strikes me that belief isn't based upon scientific data and undeniable evidence but rather a decision of the will. I guess that's why I've had such a difficult time with belief lately because I refuse to deny the questions I've had any longer. Belief will have to be a decision of the will despite my questions and not because they're satisfied.

It also occured to me that so many "conservatives" who hang so tenaciously to belief, especially "right believing," often don't go to demonstrate love, they don't offer real hope beyond the illusion of comfort that comes from agreeing with them, and certainly don't offer any insight into the real probing hard questions of life and faith. Makes you wonder just what it is they really believe in. That's one to chew on.

Jim Carrey on Life

"Success is a really good thing to attain, so you can cross it off the list of things that will make you happy."

"I think we are here to be a witness to creation."

Jim Carrey on The Today Show on NBC, February 20, 2007

Who knew that Jim Carrey could deliver such pearls of wisdom. This is a fascinating interview that says alot of the power of intention and motivation. I encourage you to watch it.

Christmas, Confusion, and Casino Cremation

Christmas finds me wondering. I've been hearing pieces of the nativity story relayed through the mass marketing of Christmas by stores, churches, and news outlets, and for some reason this year it's sounding more and more like telling kids about Santa Claus to me. I've been on a slippery slope to agnosticism for a while, if I haven't already rolled to the bottom of the hill. I'll spare you the play by play of how I got here for now, but I'll give you a wide angle shot of the process.

When you've been behind the scenes preparing for the magic show and you've rehearsed it so many times you can do it in your sleep, when the big day comes it doesn't have the same flare for you as it does for the audience seeing it for the first time. It's sort of like the mystery entree at your favorite restaurant. You know you like it, just don't ask what's in it. Professional Christianity is a dangerous thing for those on stage. After a while, in fact during the whole presentation, you're asking yourself if you believe what you're selling. Here is the beginning of my post.

I've been reading Barbara Brown Taylor's book, Leaving Church, in which she compares her decision to leave the priesthood to a couple's decision to dissolve a marriage. You have to determine if it's the spouse you can't live with or the whole institution of marriage in general. Well, for me, it's just the whole institution of church I can't buy into anymore. It seems like a racket to me. Understand my sentiments are tempered by a couple years of post-ministry reflection, and I readily admit my current state of cynicism.

Being on the front lines close to the action was more than enough to put doubts in my mind as to the purpose and effectiveness of what we were doing in the church. Since leaving I have allowed everything I thought I believed to be vulnerable to suspicion and testing. I'm not going to cling to something for the rest of my life just because I was raised on it. It's got to go deeper than that for me, or I'm jumping ship and finding something else that I'm willing to live for.

I've tried to throw out everything I knew about church tradition and program and isolate a basic set of operational values by which I could live by. The more I widdled down the pulpit I didn't end up with anything resembling the church I knew. I understand more how we got in this mess and created this monster, but I don't have a clue as to how we are going to collectively get back to the original design.

My fasicination with astro-physics, origin and development of the universe and stellar systems, has led me into some deep theological waters. It is beyond amazing how much scientists and theorists have learned about where we come from and how this all got started. They readily admit they haven't unlocked the "mind of God" yet, but they are pretty dang close. So now the doubts that lingered in the back of my mind for years in the church have come forefront with scientific evidence that completely contradicts the conservative, literalist interpretation of the Bible, which I always had a problem with but didn't want to discuss.

I watched an amazing documentary on the History Channel the other night on the true history of Christmas, which traced its development from a "pagan" winter solstice celebration through its hijacking by the Church and ongoing battle between secular and religious observances. It was absolutely amazing. I'd known about many of the secular traditions that predated the religous traditions, but when strung together piece by piece it's so much easier to see how embellished the nativity story is. That just as Zionists in the time of David and the prophets hijacked local pagan mythology and adapted it to fit their Zionist tradition, so did the early oral tradition in the church pick up and adapt local mythology into the story of the birth of Jesus, as the Church would also intermingle the observation of the birth of Christ with ongoing pagan celebrations of Christmas.

I don't know if I'm going to throw the baby out with the bath water or what. I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know if I'm going to believe again or not, but if I do, I will come back to the faith on entirely different foundations that those I was planted on.

I was asked by a close relative to assist with a funeral for a distant relative this Christmas weekend. I gave up weddings early this year. I've had enough of them. I quit. I think this may just end up being my last funeral. I haven't preached in a while. Been turning down invitations. I can't stand up in front of people and lie, and I'm pretty sure they're not ready to hear what I really think at this point. I haven't even been to church in months. I've enjoyed not going and really could care less about when and where I go back, although I have to lie and tell my church-going friends that I've visited a few places here and there, so they'll feel better and won't be burdened to witness to me. If I were to be honest about how I feel and what I think, it would seriously screw up the theology and self-confidence of a lot of people I know who are perfectly content being plugged into the Matrix. If they want to go down the rabbit hole one day, that's great, but I'm not pulling their plug until I know just where the hell this thing is going.

So after I got suckered into agreeing to "assist" with this guy's funeral, who I don't know, I found out it's a memorial service because he's going to be cremated. Ok, fine, whatever. Doesn't bother me none. Then I find out from family members that he was quite the "hell raiser" in his day. Never darkened the door of the church and was quite a jerk to most who knew him. He's been in nursing home for a while, lost a battle with cancer at 58. Kicker to the whole story I learn tonight is that when the memorial service is over his wife is spreading his ashes on the front lawn of the local casino, his favorite place in the whole world. So, here I am, a drop out preacher, on the verge of losing faith if not my mind, going to speak at this guy's funeral tomorrow who apparently didn't believe in anything except finding a machine that's hot. I got to admit, if God is real, He's got one hell of a sense of humor.

Sin Cargo

I received my first ever credit card offer in español today. I suppose they thought I wasn't responding to the previous 100 offers because I couldn't read English. The first thing that caught my attention on the envelope was the bold phrase "Sin Cargo." Having just finished a blog entry on the unnecessary weight of religious baggage that we carry around, my mind first thought of the theological weight of such a phrase before I realized it wasn't English.

To my further amazement and sheer delight I found out, one Google search later, that the translation of the phrase is "without charge." Imagine that! Consider the weight of all the junk you carry around with you unnecessarily. No charge! The debt is already paid. So, why don't we just drop it already?

Enough Already

Is this missions or an invasion?

Churches Putting Town Out of Business

Next Question, Please

I saw this headline on foxnews.com today:
"What would drive a schoolteacher and mother to shoot her minister husband?"

Short answer:
The Church

All You Need to Know

The only consolation I have when the weekend ends is that Tuesday night is only a day away. Boston Legal boasts some of the most brilliant and talented writers and actors of any show on television, and like sharing a nightcap with an old friend on a balcony overlooking the Boston skyline, the show is even better when sipping a merlot with my friend on Tuesday night cackling at James Spader and William Shatner.

The show began this past week with Alan Shore's secretary Melissa being arrested for tax evasion because she returned a tax notice to the IRS with a post-it note bearing the direction to "Stick It!" While assessing the merits of her defense Alan asked her why she would do such a thing. She responded matter of factly that she did it "for my grandfather." Alan quipped back, "I suppose you thought you told me everything I need to know."

While working in Florida the last two weeks with my friend and business partner, Sim Church Planter, we came to the conclusion that Pensacola has an obscene number of churches. There is almost one on every street corner, if not a pair of them, each blinding the public with religious graffiti to sell their special niche in "Brother Love's Traveling Salvation Show." It's enough to make you nauseous or at least run through on Sunday morning turning over tables and sending turtledoves flying.

One particular church edifice was particularly inviting. Smyrna Baptist Church on Pensacola Blvd. boasted a massive white-washed brick facade on a busy street corner proudly displaying the church name and two descriptive signs on the left and right:

Fundamental
Missional
Doctrinal
KJV - 1611

and

Fundamental
Premillenial
Traditional
KJV - 1611

I thought it impressive that they listed fundamental and KJV 1611 on both signs . If they are trying to reach unchurched people, they might as well be speaking Martian, because those religious buzzwords mean jack to the general public. They do however preach loudly to the choir of the converted and brainwashed. "If you don't measure up, you need not apply."

If that's you, take heart and be not discouraged, because there is "A Church with a Choice," at least that's what their gigantic interstate billboard says on I-110. On opposing sides there are pictures of a guitar and a violin with the consoling words "Contemporary" or "Traditional." As my astute friend pointed out, they only offer the illusion of a choice because no matter how you spin it, it's still the same old song and dance.

I suppose both churches thought they told us all we needed to know. It begs the questions for something of substance. Surely, there is more to being a follower of Jesus Christ than clever puns, fundraising ads, and program promotions convey. If you only had a few seconds to make an impact upon thousands of people a day, what would you do? Evangelism is not a marketing strategy; it is a lifestyle.