Is Loving God Enough?

My cousin posted a blog entry recently that got me thinking. I'm posting my comment to it here so that you might add to the discussion. Her basic idea was that loving God is the most basic responsibility we have and will be accountable for and that a lot of the do's and don'ts are added on by others to make a relationship with God complicated and impossible.

What a loaded question. I'm agreeing with you here but must play the "devil's advocate" just because these are questions I'm thinking about. I'm just thinking as I write. If "loving" is all we are accountable for, didn't Jesus say that if we love him that we should "keep his commandments?" Of course, I would counter that the Bible also says that his commandments are not burdensome, i.e. his yolk is light. Perhaps it is we who make them seem burdensome.

A huge part of the problem is that most people look at the Bible like an algebra equation of which every book must agree with all of the other books. I think the more appropriate view is to look at the Bible as a record of the evolving nature of how people understand and relate to God. So that some of what happens earlier on may in fact stand in direct contrast to what we find in the New Testament because people as a whole evolved in their understanding. Think just how much we evolve personally in our relation to God in just a few years time then compound it by thousands of years of history and thousands of different perspectives collaborating into a clearer expression. Another large part of the problem is that like it or not, a lot of the Bible is editorial commentary. It demands an entire science of stripping down extraneous material to get back at what was said that inspired so much thought.

Another basic question is "how do you love God?" Yes, I know, "keep his commandments." But aside from rule keeping, how do you do it? I'm reminded that Jesus also said if we want to express our love for God that we should love others, in particular the unlovable. For a moment set aside "keeping commandments" and "loving others." At it's most basic level in a vacuum where only you and God exist, how do you love Him? How do you love someone/something immeasurably grand and awesome? On some level isn't your love really based on fear, as it was in the beginning of the OT? I don't think fear is the same as love. The Bible also says that perfect love casts out all fear. Maybe it is awe & wonder that we really feel and call it love for God? Maybe we move past being "afraid" of Him and stand in wonder and awe. How can you move past loving God for fear of retribution or for desire for acceptance? Is it possible to love Him purely without fear or expectation?

I'm going off the deep end now, so beware, but could it be that we go amiss thinking about "loving God" as an emotion felt for a person? At its best, we aspire to an idea, a belief system, a way of living. Religion, even Christianity, seems more and more like a coping mechanism to me, a framework through which we can engage the enormity of time/space and the finality and smallness of ourselves within.

You wouldn't know it by looking at the current political landscape in America or the culture of the deep South, but I believe the role of religion in everyday life is gradually being diminished, albeit at glacial speeds, as people become more and more educated and communication barriers are broken down through technology and freedom of expression. I think the nature of personal religious beliefs will continue to evolve, and I believe only fools and the mentally ill will continue to embrace fundamentalism. Just thinking.

No One Knew My Name

I was listening to No One Knew My Name by Marc Broussard today. The words really resonate with me. They're testimonial.

Some people say that I've changed in every way
That the life I'm leadin' gonna lead me away from your grace
But there ain't nothin' like a brand new day
Get to start all over with a big ol' smile upon my face

I aint' gotta prove nothin' to them
Got nothin' to lose cause I remember when

No one knew my name except for you baby
No one feels the same as I do
No one's walked a mile in my shoes lately
No one knew my name except for you, yeah

Life is about the journey it's not about the end

To Preach or Not to Preach

That is the question.

It will soon be a year since I've preached, almost that long since I've been to church. I thought my phone just quit ringing with invitations, but I seem to remember turning down at least two long term commitments in the last couple months. I got another call a few days ago to preach homecoming at a church I pastored several years ago. Tradition has a former pastor come in to preach that day. I always dreaded homecoming while I was there, because you never knew what kind of nut would come in and bore everyone to death or confuse the hell out of them. Then I'd have to clean up the mess. I'm debating on whether or not to go. Part of me thinks I should do it, since they seem to be in a bind to find somebody, and I would hate for them to be tortured by the alternative. Most of me just doesn't know what to say.

I'm such a completely different person than I was. My beliefs have changed substantially. The older I get and the more life experiences I have the more I realize that I don't know anything. Honestly, I think I had this thing figured out when I was 19, but now, I don't know jack. It's not that I don't possess knowledge. I can argue any position. I know them well. I just don't have a position anymore. No angle. No game. No ego that needs stroking. I'm convinced of the possibility that I might be wrong and everyone else might be right. Not a good foundation from which to claim exclusivity to divine truth. I generally respect differing viewpoints and values. The only people I don't want to dialogue with are those that are too pigheaded to give others a fair hearing.

So, what do I say? I'm pretty screwed up. I could easily talk about that for a while. I could do like many of the others that show up and reminisce about the good ole times we shared and tell funny stories, but there's a lot of pain and mixed emotions in looking back on that experience. I could whip out an old sermon. I've preached at least a couple hundred new ones since I was there last, but I'd rather throw up than pretend. I want to just talk about some of things I've learned and how I've changed, but I don't want the day to be about me, and I despise topical sermons. Maybe I just won't go. People don't really want to hear what I'll say. It would probably disturb them. Sure, the sadists say they want somebody to "tell it like it is," but they mean someone to beat up on the failure and weaknesses of others, so easily characterized as sins. No one wants to hear about selfishness, hypocrisy, greed, apathy, etc.

I suppose someone would say I should pray about it, but it's been a while since I've done that too, at least in the traditional sense of the word. I've felt a need to sit in silence for the last few days, and it's long overdue. I guess meditation works for some people. I haven't gotten to that yet. I'm still a beginner. It's all I can do to sit down, be still, and shut up for 30 minutes. Now there's an idea for a sermon well spent.

Living Unplugged

A recent post by my friend at Sim Church got me to thinking about living unplugged.

It's been about 9 months since I've been in a church service, about two years since I've been in a service I wasn't preaching. My wife doesn't care about going either. I don't feel guilty at all. I feel free to be honest. I mostly don't know how to respond to comments and questions that come up in conversation regarding faith. I don't want to be disrespectful, so I nod and shift to another topic. Will Campbell said, "Beliefs are what people are hung up on, not ethics or morals. If you don't believe a certain way, then the people in that religion will clean you out." I don't think most people I know in the South are ready for this discussion.

I don't feel my kids are missing out on their core moral development because they're not listening to flannel board stories and doing color sheets in a Sunday School class somewhere. Still, they have questions. They have a natural desire to wonder. I've been reflecting on how I grew up in church and how I've seen other children come up in church. There's an overall conditioning process at work, albeit subtle. I'm not sure I want my kids brainwashed by somebody.

I suppose some "dyed in the wool" fundamentalist is reading this and aghast that my children will die and go to hell if they don't ask Jesus into their hearts. I've thought about that a lot. I've had a hard time buying the whole spin on eternity for a long time. If you ask me to imagine God, a supreme being of the universes, burning my kids in hell for all eternity because they told a lie, were mean, or stole a friend's toy and didn't subscribe to a certain religious tenet, you need therapy.

Micael Ledwith said our culture often views God as sitting up somewhere "registering the scores on his laptop as to whether we perform according to his designs or whether we're offending him, as it's put, an absolutely outrageous idea. How could we offend God? How could it matter so much to him? How could it, above all, matter that he would find it so serious a situation that he could conform us to an eternity of suffering? These are bizarre ideas."

So do we haul our kids to church to make sure they get the same "rearing" that we did, even if we have since rejected it, just to "be sure?" Is that what Christianity is, an insurance policy? Got to make sure everybody's covered, just in case they're right and we're wrong? Nada.

I think it's natural to have an epiphany moment in life, but I don't think it has to take the form of "getting saved," walking the aisle, and getting baptized. I think we don't know how to react to newfound awareness or enlightenment other than to do whatever someone tells us to in those critical and vulnerable times in our lives. I want to be there in those moments in the lives of my children to answer their questions honestly, being sure to say that I don't know when I don't. I want them to nurture a sense of wonder, belonging, and grattitude that will stay with them no matter which path they take. Any religion that makes people feel less than they really are is worthless in my opinion.

So the question is rightly asked by my friend. What do we do now? Do you run to the nearest church on Sunday morning, throw yourself on the altar in a uncontrolable sobbing confession, and ask the church to embrace you and nurse you back to faith? Do you sneak in the back pew and check the attendance box for the week, even though you can't buy what they're selling? I just can't do it. I'm not saying I won't go to church again. I've been talking about a few churches I'd like to visit, mostly other denominations that I'm not familiar with, and when I go, I'll go with an open mind and listen respectfully. Maybe there will be something I can grab hold to and assimilate. Maybe there won't. But I refuse to get in line for the weekly hen-pecking.

On Will Campbell

The Town Talk published an article on Will Campbell in today's paper written by Robin Miller. As a history minor in college with mostly Southern history under my belt, the name Will Campbell rang a bell. As I kept reading, I was awestruck. I love the gritty side of the South and have no greater fondness in my heart than I do for rebels, outlaws, and mystics. I share just a few lines from the article that described my experience in the church and my departure from pastoral ministry and hope they'll entice you to read the article yourself.

Will, who after having pastored one Southern Baptist Church, gave it up forever -- pastoring, not ministering.
"I resolved to be a Baptist minister of the South until the day I die, though never again a Southern Baptist preacher," he has said. "For the first time, I knew there
was a difference. And what it was."

Still, meeting Will isn't meeting a preacher at all. And he's not what you'd call a writer of religion or Christian literature, but simply a writer.

"Beliefs are what people are hung up on," he'll say, "not ethics or morals.If you don't believe a certain way, then the people in that religion will clean you out... A lot of those people will claim to be conservative. But they're not. They're just mean."

Amen. It's refreshing to find people to identify with and who share a common journey. I've already put a couple of his books on hold at the library and can't wait to read them. Here's to you, Will!

A New Earth Discovered

A New Earth?

The mathematical probabilities long ago declared it a matter of not "if" but "when" other inhabitable planets would be discovered. There are old questions that are beginning to be answered; others will have to wait. Is there life out there? Definately. The discovery of a relatively near earth-like planet is an astounding discovery that is sure to be followed by many many more with exponential improvements in astronomy. Maybe there are just cockroaches roaming around on this one. Maybe there's just ocean life on a microscopic scale. Maybe there are lower lifeforms. But maybe somewhere a higher stage of evolution has taken place, and someone is asking the same questions we are.

I wonder because I have to, but do you think Jesus died for all of the other people living elsewhere in the universe? Did God send thousands of different Messiahs to each planet to give them each an opportunity to be "saved?" Are they all dying and going to hell because we haven't gotten missionaries there yet? Maybe we can turn the TBN satellites around and point into outer space. Maybe its just safe for some people to believe we're the only ones here. When your worldview clashes with reality, it's somehow easier on the conscience to deny reality rather than change your worldview. Were we to go backwards a couple thousand years, when people were separated by oceans rather than space, are the questions any different? Who's right? Who's wrong? Do we have an exclusive on truth? What's the worth of another person when they're different than you? Life hangs in the balance on how we answer.

Dobson Slams Thompson

Here's another "sinner" to throw into the fire today:
James Dobson Says Thompson Not Christian Enough To Be Prez

Dobson declared that Sen. Fred Thompson, star of NBC's Law & Order and possble Republican candidate for President, was "not a Christian" and therefore should not be supported by the Christian base of the party. Thompson's spokesperson said that he was in fact baptized into the Church of Christ. Dobson counters that Thompson is not Evangelical and does not talk openly about his faith.

I was already outraged over the virtual campaign of some right-wing ideologues bashing U.S. Senator David Vitter (LA) for supporting Rudy Guiliani for President. The Dead Pelican and others have been on a crusade to slam Guiliani for his record on social issues and throw Vitter under the bus for his support, although he has been praised by the same critics, up until now, as a fantastic Senator and advocate for the welfare of Louisiana.

I was set to pull the lever for Guiliani just to spite them, until I sat up and took notice of Thompson as a possible candidate. Thompson has a conservative stand on social issues, but he doesn't carry the water for the Christian right, which is all the more reason for me to support him. We need a President to lead this country, not a Pastor to patronize his parishoners. Dobson should stick with telling mom's how to potty train their kids on his radio show. Dobson, Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, Jesse Jackson, Richard Land, and the gang embarass the hell out of many who have until now identified themselves as "Christian." I think the label has got a bum reputation. I'm all for calling ourselves something else. There's no way to get them to switch to "hypocrits" for the sake of truth in advertising.

The Church is Pro-Hell

Pope Says Hell and Damnation Are Real and Eternal
The Times, London, in The Australian

Ok, I'm done. Honestly, I'm through. I just had a conversation about this very subject with my friend yesterday. I'm not sure if I'm going to end up "throwing the baby out with the bathwater." There might be some remnant or core of Christianity that I adhere to throughout my journey, but this concept of God holding people over the flames as a motivation for people to love Him baffles my mind. I don't understand how educated people in a world of science can continue to propogate this stuff week after week. The only reason I held on to it as long as did was that I never allowed my mind to contemplate an alternate worldview. When viewed from an objective vantage point, a lot of this stuff just sounds silly and begs the question how the church expects to be taken seriously and affect our culture positively. Well, maybe they don't. Maybe they could give a damn about redeeming the culture. After all, it's all going to burn up anyway. They're too busy getting people right for the next life that they've forsaken this one. That doesn't sound very Christ-like to me.

Why does everything have to be "us vs. them," insiders and outsiders? Why can't the focus be on the commonality of all of God's creation? Why can't the focus be on the immense love that embraces every person regardless of race, color, creed, or failure? Why can't the focus be on serving one another and lifting each other up to reach their full potential? Why can't the focus be on Jesus Christ who modeled for us what it is to be a human on this planet and set an example that we should follow?

I watched a documentary on Amma yesterday, called Darshan. She has been a Ghandi-like figure in India for more than 30 years. She is known mostly for hugging people. Seriously. She's embraced over 20,000 people in a day many times over. It's really something to watch. She teaches kindness to all people and creatures. She feeds the hungry and has established orphanages and hospitals all over India. She spends three to four months of each year on a road trip trying to see as many people as possible. It's amazing that you give hugs away and people line up by the thousands. Maybe Joel Osteen is on to something after all.

I think we've been too critical of the wrong people for too long. Have you noticed that Jesus reserved his sharpest criticism for the religious establishment of His day, those that claimed to be better than everyone else, those that claimed to be in the know? For the failures, the screw ups, the rejects, the untouchables, there was only grace... grace by the bucketfuls. He lifted people by believing the best in them and pointing them to a better life, to their potential. Wow, what a difference! But who am I to argue with established religious dogma?

On Wisdom

"As proud children of science and reason, we have made ourselves the orphans of wisdom." Deepak Chopra

I have been completely enthralled in this new audiobook I'm listening to, The Book of Secrets: Unlocking the Hidden Dimensions of Your Life by Deepak Chopra. I'm not even finished the first of three tapes, and I'm already read to listen to it again and take notes when I'm not driving. I'll post more observations once I've had time to process it. This comes at good time for me in my journey. He outlines the premise of the book as unlocking the secrets to what truly fulfills us and makes us happy, which if we have not already discovered is not money, sex, relationships, careers, or pleasure. This dovetails with the Jim Carrey quote I shared a few days ago that, "Success is a really good thing to attain, so you can cross it off the list of things that will make you happy." I've crossed enough things off my list by this point in life. I'd rather just figure this thing out and skip the vain pursuits.

I saw a quote on a sign today that did not mention the author, but I recognized it as a Gandhi quote. Coincidentally enough, I've ran across the same quote at least four times in the last two weeks. There must be a lesson in that in itself. I'll leave you with it:

"You must be the change you want to see in the world." Gandhi

Beyond Belief

I've just finished listening to The Gospel of Thomas: A New Perspective on Jesus' Message an audiobook by Elaine Pagels who also wrote a book titled Beyond Belief. I admittedly know very little about "other gospels," much less the Apocrypha books. Pagels says that "gnostic" has become a sort of slander that has befallen many other historical documents that have been rejected and misunderstood by the religious powers that be. It reminds me of the way fundamentalists label everything they disagree with as "liberal."

I learned a lot not only about the Gospel of Thomas but about the other gospels as well and the way early Christians viewed Jesus. There was an interesting debate or dialogue taking place in the early church carried out in the oral tradition of masters teaching their disciples (followers). Interestingly enough there wasn't a group of followers of John's Gospel versus followers of Thomas' Gospel. Both gospels were being read and discussed side by side, holding each in tension yet finding a common way between them. Both gospels are dated between 80-100 AD and present a different perspective from the Synoptic Gospels (Matthew, Mark, & Luke). I learned as much about the Gospel of John as I did about the Gospel of Thomas from this book.

There was a Q & A session at the end of her lecture, which is befitting to the overall message of Thomas that we must seek out knowledge and truth for ourselves versus John as the one who has written "that you may believe." Someone asked about her book and its title, Beyond Belief, asking if that is what Thomas is about, that we are to move "beyond belief" onto something else. That's an important question that I've been wrestling with. Is belief a beginning step on the journey. Do you grow out of it and mature into something else, or do you hold belief in tandem with maturity?

She gave an interesting illustration that Faith, i.e. belief, is like the Soil of the earth in which the seed is planted. Love is like the Sun that warms it. Hope is like the Water that nourishes it, and Insight is the Fruit, which is maturity. I found interesting that in that context belief isn't something you outgrow but rather something that supports and upholds the rest. It strikes me that belief isn't based upon scientific data and undeniable evidence but rather a decision of the will. I guess that's why I've had such a difficult time with belief lately because I refuse to deny the questions I've had any longer. Belief will have to be a decision of the will despite my questions and not because they're satisfied.

It also occured to me that so many "conservatives" who hang so tenaciously to belief, especially "right believing," often don't go to demonstrate love, they don't offer real hope beyond the illusion of comfort that comes from agreeing with them, and certainly don't offer any insight into the real probing hard questions of life and faith. Makes you wonder just what it is they really believe in. That's one to chew on.

Changing Worldviews

According to Dr. (Miceal) Ledwith, the single greatest obstacle to our evolution is the way our culture often views God - as a God sitting up somewhere "registering the scores on his laptop as to whether we perform according to his designs or whether we're offending him, as it's put, an absolutely outrageous idea. How could we offend God? How could it matter so much to him? How could it, above all, matter that he would find it so serious a situation that he could conform us to an eternity of suffering? These are bizarre ideas."

And they are bizarre ideas: that in this vast universe, where there are more galaxies than grains of sand in all the oceans, that in that vastness, a group of people - well, men actually - on a small planet got the exclusive franchise for the pearly gate arches of heaven. And every other being in the universe will spend an eternity of suffering in hell. It's hard to imagine a more bizarre idea. And if that's the sort of God you believe in, you just have to wonder: How does that affect your view of the world?

What the Bleep Do We Know!? by William Arntz, Betsy Chasse, and Mark Vicente

I want to tell you how those concepts of God affected my worldview and how I demerged from it. I long ago recognized that my childhood view of God was distorted. I saw Him as a an old man with a flowing white beard and a quiver of lightning bolts waiting for me to screw up. I later came to know God as the Creator, as Sovereign, and as a Father. Nonetheless, my fear of failure and judgement continued to dominate my view of God and a perhaps even more distorted view of God developed. I believed that God loved us infinitely yet also convicted us and punished us into obedience with hell as the destination of all outsiders. As I continued to mature I became a quasi-theologian with a degree and vocation to match. I was trained to study and interpret the Bible for myself, and what I discovered did not line up with the worldview I was raised with. Even still I saw huge discrepancies between different parts of the Bible and between the Bible and everyday life.

The particular denomination I came out of taught that the Bible was infallible, inspired, and inerrant and could not be questioned. That's a problem because while the Bible speaks of the Divine it does so through the lips, hands, and lives of humans whose stories were recorded by humans and later debated over and arranged into a collection of books to communicate a particular theological worldview. Everything that did not match criteria consistent with that worldview was not included. Simply put, the Bible did not descend from a cloud on Mt. Sinai to Broadman & Holman Publishers.

When you don't hold that every jot and tittle are inerrant and study the Bible for what it is, the way it is, using various angles of approach, you come away with a very different worldview from the one I was raised with. When you honestly contemplate the vastness of time and space and the beauty and order of the world and ourselves, you come away with a very different perspective of who God may be and who we are. I'm not sure what I believe about God anymore or if I believe at all. Some days I don't believe, then other days I have an awareness that God is, even though I don't understand Him. I am closer now to what Einstein called "a cosmic religious feeling," a sense of connectedness and unity with all of life.

Writing now from that perspective, I don't understand how it is possible to offend a God such as this. At some point in the last five years, I lost my belief in hell as a place or destination. Although some people have caused such immeasurable human suffering, it seems such a place should be established just for them. In the last two to three years I've also lost my sense of "conviction," my concept of "sin," judgement, and retribution. My evangelical friends would say that I've "fallen away" and have lost all spiritual sensitivity to "sin." Maybe they're right, but I sure feel better without the 800 lb. gorilla on my back telling me how bad I am all day long. I live in wonder and awe in appreciation, trying to stretch my imagination and learn new things all the time. That to me seems much more in keeping with being a child of the divine.

People have to make that choice for themselves. Most people are happy with their life the way it is. Most people are happy with watching television and having a 9 to 5 job. Not to say that they are happy with it, but they are hypnotized into thinking that's normal. The person who has another urge inside of them that they're clearly interested in something else, all they need is a little bit of knowledge, and if they accept that knowledge as a possibility and if they embrace that knowledge over and over again, sooner or later, they'll begin to apply that knowledge.

Now for some people it may take five minutes, and for other people to take that first step may take an enormous amount of effort because they have to weigh that first step against everything they know, and everything they know is attached to the way their life is presently, all their agreements, all their relationships. And to take that first step means that they have to evaluate what it's going to look like by taking this step against what they know, and there's that battle between those two elements. But once we give ourselves permission to move outside the box, there's a definite sense of relief and definite sense of joy.

Dr. Joe Dispenza, What the Bleep Do We Know!? by William Arntz, Betsy Chase, and Mark Vicente

What Would You Do?

I finally watched The Davinci Code recently long after all the fuss died down. I thought it was a great movie. The plot was amazing and Tom Hanks, Audrey Tautou, and Ian McKellan were phenomenal. I liked the movie most for what it was, a movie. It is great entertainment, but I appreciate the courage to ask questions. No reasonable person I know believes The Davinci Code is anything more than a skillful compilation of myth and hypothetical theories assembled by the craftsman Dan Brown. No matter whether you fall on the side of "for" or "against," faith or science, the truth that is indisputable is that there are huge volumes of information about the birth, life, death, and possible lineage of Jesus that we do not know. In fact there is more that we don't know about Jesus than we do know, but that does not in any way diminish His impact upon the world and upon individuals. I'll save my summarizing and critiquing. I'd rather you watch the movie or read the book for yourself and make up your own mind. I personally found the most moving and transcendent part of the movie to be the final conversation between Robert and Sophie, which raises the most important question of the film, "What would you do?"

Sophie: What would you do, Robert?

Robert: Ok, maybe there is no proof. Maybe the grail is lost forever, but, Sophie, the only thing that matters is what you believe. History shows us Jesus was an extraordinary man, a human inspiration. That’s it. That’s all the evidence has ever proved, but when I was a boy… when I was down in that well Teabing told you about, I thought I was going to die, Sophie. What I did… I prayed. I prayed to Jesus to keep me alive so I could see my parents again, so I could go to school again, so I could play with my dog. Sometimes I wonder if I wasn’t alone down there. Why does it have to be human or divine? Maybe human is divine. Why couldn’t Jesus have been a father and still been capable of all those miracles?

Sophie: Like turning water into wine?

Robert: Well, who knows? His blood is your blood. Maybe that junkie in the park will never touch a drug again. Maybe you healed my phobia with your hands.

Sophie: And maybe you’re a knight in the grail quest.

Robert: Well, here’s the question. You’re a living descendant of Jesus Christ. Would she destroy faith, or would she renew it? So, I say again, what matters is what you believe.

Sophie: Thank you for bringing me here, for letting Him choose you, Sir Robert.

Christmas, Confusion, and Casino Cremation

Christmas finds me wondering. I've been hearing pieces of the nativity story relayed through the mass marketing of Christmas by stores, churches, and news outlets, and for some reason this year it's sounding more and more like telling kids about Santa Claus to me. I've been on a slippery slope to agnosticism for a while, if I haven't already rolled to the bottom of the hill. I'll spare you the play by play of how I got here for now, but I'll give you a wide angle shot of the process.

When you've been behind the scenes preparing for the magic show and you've rehearsed it so many times you can do it in your sleep, when the big day comes it doesn't have the same flare for you as it does for the audience seeing it for the first time. It's sort of like the mystery entree at your favorite restaurant. You know you like it, just don't ask what's in it. Professional Christianity is a dangerous thing for those on stage. After a while, in fact during the whole presentation, you're asking yourself if you believe what you're selling. Here is the beginning of my post.

I've been reading Barbara Brown Taylor's book, Leaving Church, in which she compares her decision to leave the priesthood to a couple's decision to dissolve a marriage. You have to determine if it's the spouse you can't live with or the whole institution of marriage in general. Well, for me, it's just the whole institution of church I can't buy into anymore. It seems like a racket to me. Understand my sentiments are tempered by a couple years of post-ministry reflection, and I readily admit my current state of cynicism.

Being on the front lines close to the action was more than enough to put doubts in my mind as to the purpose and effectiveness of what we were doing in the church. Since leaving I have allowed everything I thought I believed to be vulnerable to suspicion and testing. I'm not going to cling to something for the rest of my life just because I was raised on it. It's got to go deeper than that for me, or I'm jumping ship and finding something else that I'm willing to live for.

I've tried to throw out everything I knew about church tradition and program and isolate a basic set of operational values by which I could live by. The more I widdled down the pulpit I didn't end up with anything resembling the church I knew. I understand more how we got in this mess and created this monster, but I don't have a clue as to how we are going to collectively get back to the original design.

My fasicination with astro-physics, origin and development of the universe and stellar systems, has led me into some deep theological waters. It is beyond amazing how much scientists and theorists have learned about where we come from and how this all got started. They readily admit they haven't unlocked the "mind of God" yet, but they are pretty dang close. So now the doubts that lingered in the back of my mind for years in the church have come forefront with scientific evidence that completely contradicts the conservative, literalist interpretation of the Bible, which I always had a problem with but didn't want to discuss.

I watched an amazing documentary on the History Channel the other night on the true history of Christmas, which traced its development from a "pagan" winter solstice celebration through its hijacking by the Church and ongoing battle between secular and religious observances. It was absolutely amazing. I'd known about many of the secular traditions that predated the religous traditions, but when strung together piece by piece it's so much easier to see how embellished the nativity story is. That just as Zionists in the time of David and the prophets hijacked local pagan mythology and adapted it to fit their Zionist tradition, so did the early oral tradition in the church pick up and adapt local mythology into the story of the birth of Jesus, as the Church would also intermingle the observation of the birth of Christ with ongoing pagan celebrations of Christmas.

I don't know if I'm going to throw the baby out with the bath water or what. I don't know what I believe anymore. I don't know if I'm going to believe again or not, but if I do, I will come back to the faith on entirely different foundations that those I was planted on.

I was asked by a close relative to assist with a funeral for a distant relative this Christmas weekend. I gave up weddings early this year. I've had enough of them. I quit. I think this may just end up being my last funeral. I haven't preached in a while. Been turning down invitations. I can't stand up in front of people and lie, and I'm pretty sure they're not ready to hear what I really think at this point. I haven't even been to church in months. I've enjoyed not going and really could care less about when and where I go back, although I have to lie and tell my church-going friends that I've visited a few places here and there, so they'll feel better and won't be burdened to witness to me. If I were to be honest about how I feel and what I think, it would seriously screw up the theology and self-confidence of a lot of people I know who are perfectly content being plugged into the Matrix. If they want to go down the rabbit hole one day, that's great, but I'm not pulling their plug until I know just where the hell this thing is going.

So after I got suckered into agreeing to "assist" with this guy's funeral, who I don't know, I found out it's a memorial service because he's going to be cremated. Ok, fine, whatever. Doesn't bother me none. Then I find out from family members that he was quite the "hell raiser" in his day. Never darkened the door of the church and was quite a jerk to most who knew him. He's been in nursing home for a while, lost a battle with cancer at 58. Kicker to the whole story I learn tonight is that when the memorial service is over his wife is spreading his ashes on the front lawn of the local casino, his favorite place in the whole world. So, here I am, a drop out preacher, on the verge of losing faith if not my mind, going to speak at this guy's funeral tomorrow who apparently didn't believe in anything except finding a machine that's hot. I got to admit, if God is real, He's got one hell of a sense of humor.

Then Let Us Doubt

"The beginning of wisdom is found in doubting; by doubting we come to the question, and by seeking we may come upon the truth."

— Pierre Abelard


There are days when the questions roll on like the miles of the road. You stop one day and try to remember just where you are and how you got there. I've come to a lonely place and choose to sit awhile with myself. There is a strange romantic irony that only in losing yourself can you truly ever find yourself, that there is much we can learn when we realize that we know nothing.

A Moment of Clarity

My fascination with learning has recently led me to astronomy and physics. The thought occured to me that of all matter in the universe, living and static, humans stand alone in their capacity to choose. Every heavenly body moves according to the laws of physics and has no will of its own. While we can't violate the laws of physics, we have a certain amount of freedom to live within them.

Everyday we are free to make choices about what we will think, where we will go, and what we will say, yet for all our freedom the sum of our choices are so very fleeting in light of the eternity of space and time. We will be forgotten. In time those who remember us will be forgotten. It seems that even the consequences of all our choices will eventually be erased given enough time. Our bodies, our thoughts, and our actions were, are, and soon will be energy once more. From the stars we came and to the stars we will go.

Mass gives up its form and turns to energy once more, E=MC2. In a scientific sense the only thing that is truly eternal is pure energy, even though it will be converted into mass again then back to energy in a perpetual cosmic dance. It begs the question "what in life really matters," given our seemingly small and brief moment in the universe. Are any of our thoughts, actions, things, relationships going to survive for more than a moment?

Our unique place in the universe should give us some insight into who we are and what really matters. While there undoubtedly are beings in the universe more evolved and more advanced than we are, our process of evolution should give us some clue into what we are becoming. We are social creatures by our very nature. What may be called the development of civilization in human history is yet one more maturing step along this great process of evolution. When comparing 21st century humans to our predecessors we have made remarkable advancements. If we project that maturation into the future, especially at the exponential rate of development we've seen in the last 100 years, it is beyond comprehension to imagine what our potential could be. We are most noble when we are most loving, when we are selfless. It is not too dreamy to imagine a time and place when we will have grown up past our fears and our prejudices. Certainly, others must have done it somewhere, somehow. However, it is also frightening to imagine in how many other lifetimes and civilizations people have chosen not to evolve. Rather than chosing to love, they choose to destroy, and miss their destiny.

It is disheartening to know that no matter how advanced we or other civilizations become, in time they end. Cosmic collisions and stellar burnouts occur all the time, and when they do the process starts over again as though it had never began in the first place. The slate is wiped clean. It is this beautiful thing we call life. It is rare and precious beyond comprehension. This wonderful mysterious process has been referred to as "the mind of God" by Albert Einstein and others. For all that we now know, there are some things that will always be just out of our reach to fully understand. We cannot fully know the mind of God, less we become God ourselves, yet I believe we can know his heart.

By knowing His heart we can know ourselves, created in His image. We can know the wonderous potential we have to be human. By our actions we choose everyday to deny or to embrace the gift that is life. There is only one way to be fully human, to be fully divine, to be fully timeless. That way is love. Only love is eternal. Nothing else remains. When we choose love, we aspire to the greatest of all human achivements. The pinnacle of evolution lasts only for seconds amid the vastness of time and space, before the tide comes in and washes our sand castles out to sea, but for that moment we embrace our destiny. We proudly embrace our place in the universe as those who love. I have to believe that somehow in "the mind of God," beyond our comprehension, such an incredible achievement as love, is not lost upon time and space. Today with this word, with this action, we choose to love, to be more than we are, to be timeless.

Losing Faith

Real Live Preacher's recent blog entry could not have come at a better time for me. It deals with losing faith and finding it again, "St. John of the Cross said that there are paths we travel as children in the faith, but real faith doesn't come until you reach the end of the path and find nothing." Well, I think I'm almost at the end of the path.

Most people assume that clergy and Biblical scholars have a depth of faith that borders on naivete. I think for many of us faith exists despite what we have learned not because of it. When you discover truth, you have to act upon it. Either you dismiss it wholesale as blasphemy, or it wrestle with it until you are able to incorporate it into your worldview. I've found that the people in the pew have a far deeper, innocent, and simple faith. I've always respected the simple faith of the people I preach to, even envied it. I've always tried to challenge people's thinking but never in an attempt to make them lose faith. My focus has always been on the end product of our faith. Does it impact our daily choices for the better? If so, our faith has worth. Tragically, I've known many pious people who were judgemental, racist, sexist, homophobic, and power hungry who used their faith to justify and embolden their views. I've come to learn that faith is not the sum of what you believe based on experience and fact. It is a choice you make.

Faith and Mystery

I've been reading Ideas and Opinions by Albert Einstein, which has fascinated me. The pursuit of the meaning of our existence seemed absurd to him. He thought the most beautiful experience we can have as human beings is the mysterious. If we lose our capacity to wonder, he said we are as good as dead. It was the experience of mystery that fostered religion, and only in that sense did he consider himself religious.

I cannot conceive of a God who rewards and punishes his creatures, or has a will of the kind that we experience in ourselves. Neither can I nor would I want to conceive of an individual that survives his physical death; let feeble souls, from fear or absurd egoism, cherish such thoughts. I am satisfied with the mystery of the eternity of life and with the awareness and a glimpse of the marvelous structure of the existing world, together with the devoted striving to comprehend a portion, be it ever so tiny, of the Reason that manifests itself in nature.

He talked about three motivations or stages of religion. First, there is a religion of fear. Gods are fashioned, served, and appeased to aleve our fears of hunger, sickness, death, etc., which also establishes a priestly caste to serve as mediators between the people and the gods they fear. Secondly, there is the God of Providence based upon a social or moral conception of God who protects, rewards, punishes, comforts, loves, and keeps the dead. He says that the scriptures illustrate the development of a religion of fear into moral religion.

Though rare he says there is another level of religious experience which he calls a "cosmic religious feeling" prompted in part by the futility of human desires and the wonder at the natural order revealed in nature and the world of thought. This feeling distinguishes the religious geniuses of all ages, which are often regarded as heretics. It "knows no dogma and no God conceived in man's image; so that there can be no church whose central teachings are based on it." He believed it is "the most important function of art and science to awaken this feeling and keep it alive in those who are receptive to it."

I feel like I'm in a rut of sorts, somewhere between a moral religion and a cosmic religious feeling. It depends on which day you ask me. Regardless of where we find ourselves, I hope that we never lose our capacity to wonder. I don't believe it's our calling as human beings to explain the Mystery but to embrace it.

Why I Can't Give Up?

There is a process at work in the body of Christ of deconstructing/constructing, demerging/emerging, detoxing/recovering, etc. that I have been chronicling and experiencing first hand for a few years. I believe that before we can go forward spiritually healthy and on-target with respect to purpose and mission we must identify all of those things that have become part of the religious experience of Christendom that are foreign to the true nature of the body of Christ. Because this is a process we are engaged in and not simply a decision or belief system we subscribe to, it is messy. One of the criticisms made of people on this journey, like myself, is that we are indecisive or lacking in conviction, but one of the dangers I've found in the 3D part of this journey (deconstructing/demerging/detoxing) is that negativity can become toxic if not kept in check.

It is always easier to identify the wrongs in other people and systems, but it is much more difficult to make the necessary changes in ourselves and be a positive agent for change. While voices crying in the wilderness are needed, at some point there must be a guide to get us out of the wilderness and back to the business we are called to be about. Painful past experiences in the church or general disillusion with the current establishment can and has led many believers away from the church, which may not be a bad thing, but the process is incomplete if we do not reconstruct, emerge, and recover into a new dynamic that is healthier.

One of the foundational components of the life of a follower of Jesus Christ is a real and personal relationship with the Master. For me and many others this journey has led us to a deeper, more meaningful encounter with the living Christ. Some people believe that Christianity can be practiced in a vacuum, that the church is optional as long as you have a personal relationship with Christ. I have come to know that the Church is not optional, although many churches are unhealthy. For the past few days I've been reflecting on the fact that the Church is not optional for me.

I have struggled with trying to regroup within a new kind of community. While I've found a number of people with similar frustrations regarding programmed church, many of them have stalled in the process by not going through the 3D process and emerging on the other side in a new kind of community. I think negativity and bitterness have derailed many people in the church, and many others just don't see the point anymore. While I'm tempted to agree with the latter, I know there is a point. There are three reasons why I can't give up.

First, there is the issue of Calling for me. While I shutter to think of myself pastoring again in the traditional vocational sense, I cannot leave the Church because the Church didn't call me. I would consider myself disqualified for the calling had I ever been qualified in the first place. While I am forced to reevaluate and reinterpret the calling God placed on my life in light of the journey I am on, I cannot deny that it took place, because it was confirmed in my life in undeniable ways. I'm still in the middle of trying to reconcile my calling with where I am and where I am going, nonetheless it is always with me reminding me that I am not my own.

Secondly, I have a deep innate desire to experience Community, real authentic Christian community. I am very grateful for the relationship I have with my wife and a few close friends who understand me and help me process life, but I think we have a God given desire to belong to a larger community, i.e. our kinsmen, our tribe, our nation, and our fellow man. A small group is a vital part of the body of Christ, but it is only a small part and incomplete without the diversity and strength of the rest of the body.

Lastly and tandem to community, I have a passionate desire for Worship. While some of the most intimate worship experiences of my life were those I had alone with God. There is something indescribable about the corporate worship of Christ followers ablaze with the presence of God in their midst. No man is an island. There are entire dynamics of the body of Christ that we will never know apart from the corporate experience of the body of Christ. It is an act of humility, vulnerability, and love to take this journey with others.

While I am resolute not to give up on the Church, I don't know what, if any, local fellowship I will inevitably be in. None of us are perfect. Do we gather with those most like us? Do we form a new gathering? Do we gather with those who need our help the most? All I know is that we must keep gathering.

Next Question, Please

I saw this headline on foxnews.com today:
"What would drive a schoolteacher and mother to shoot her minister husband?"

Short answer:
The Church

Life Never Better, Death Never More Certain

If you've read much of my blog, you will know that I've been like a kid in the candy store the last year and a half learning to live life all over again. I've been through self-admitted detox to break my addiction to vocational Christianity and have begun the journey to truly know Christ and to know myself. My family is well and happy. I wish I could freeze time and keep my two boys at 4 and 1.5 years old forever, if not for the joy of watching them grow up. I'm in love with my wife who is still my best friend after 13 years. My business is finally turning a corner, and 2006 is looking to be my best year yet. I'm in love with life and am pursuing my passions.

Before you think I'm in a state of disillusioned euphoria, let me tell you that I have never been more in touch with reality. My mood vacillates almost as much as the balance in my checkbook. All things considered life is good, very good, and for that reason death is beginning to sting. Watching my kids grow up and the seasons change makes time seem to race on by. Who knows how many more years God will allow me. Forty, if I'm lucky. 1976 didn't used to seem that long ago. My grandparents are getting older, and their health is failing. My grandfather was invincible when we were growing up, and now he seems very human. My grandmother has alzheimers and doesn't even know her own husband or her own children anymore.

I read the Bible differently these days. I try to read it for what it really says, not for what I want it to say, or for what others have told me it says. [This is the point in the movie where you may want to change channels for a bit or risk getting really messed up theologically.] I'm not so sure anymore what I believe about heaven and hell. If both are real, something tells me people won't be divided up so nice and neatly as we've been led to believe. If Jesus told us anything about it, He said that there will be a lot of surprises for many people. Some days I default to the nice Sunday School version of life that allows you to sleep in peace knowing that you're an insider and have nothing to worry about. Some days I think that the blood of Christ covers every sin and no one is turned away. Some days I wonder if we just don't die like every other creature and cease to be, simply return to the earth from which we came. No matter, death still stings.

I fell in love with the music of Johnny Cash some time last year, especially his later recordings. Johnny Cash was a man in touch with death and pain. He was able to vocalize what we think and feel about death like no other. You cannot listen to his music and not come face to face with your own mortality, which, I believe, is the key to truly enjoying life. The stark reality of death makes life more precious.

I don't think we should live in fear of death but nor should we surrender to it. I've seen many terminally ill people over the years who cling to every last breath they can muster long after their body has given out. There is something in the human spirit that fights against death and clings to life. I'm not afraid to die, but not because I know exactly what happens after death. I'm not afraid to die, because I know God and trust Him to do with me what He will. Until my time comes, and it will, I will celebrate life and enjoy every day I'm given. One day, I will fight the good fight then lay this body down and rest in Him.